You disappointed me yesterday

I really needed some help working through something.  I texted you, I understand that you were busy with other things, but it never crossed your mind in the last twelve hours to pick up the phone and see if I was okay?  I get a text message that says “it’s okay it will be fine”.  Really?  Now, I was able to talk to a friend who wasn’t too busy and I figured out what I need to do.  All she did was listen and offer suggestions but she let me figure out what I already knew.  That’s not really the point here though is it?  Again, don’t get me wrong, I did not expect you to drop everything and come to my rescue because I am an adult but it has been half a day and I haven’t heard a word from you.

When was the last time that I called or texted you in a panic?  When have you ever in the entire time you have known me heard me say “I’m freaking out and I need you”.   Give up?  How about never? 

Here’s the thing … I have been sitting here thinking that the next time you need me, and you do, on a pretty regular basis, that I might not be quite as available as I usually am.  The problem with that is that I don’t know if I’m capable of not caring about someone who is in need, particularly someone I call a friend.  I was taught that two wrongs don’t make a right.  I’m not tooting my own horn here, it is and always has been who I am right or wrong.

So, the next time you need me I’ll be there for you.  I’ll listen to whatever it is that has upset you and I’ll commiserate.  I’ll give advice if so requested and I’ll boost you up as best I can so you can make it past whatever it is and get on with your life.  I will worry about you and I’ll care.  I’ll check back with you to make sure everything is okay and let you know that I’m there for you whenever you need me.

Here is what won’t happen.  I won’t come to you when I need a friend.  You may not even notice but I will know.  If I need an ear I’ll find someone who cares about me to listen.

I may begin to distance myself from you.  I will maybe not answer the phone every single time you call or return your calls or texts right away.  I’ll forgive what happened today because you’re my friend and I love you but I won’t forget.  It will taint how I look at our relationship, how can it not?

Remember the old adage, “The only way to have a friend is to be one”?  Ralph Waldo Emerson said that.  Well here’s another one from Martin Luther King.  “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”  I know I’m taking liberties with the literal translation of this but the message seems clear to me.  I needed you and you weren’t there.

Do you want to know the funniest part about this?  You proclaim me, to anyone you talk to about me, as your best friend but you never read my blog.  I practically begged you to read something I wrote a long time ago.  Do you remember what you said then?  “It’s too long” you whined at me as an excuse for not taking the time to read my short story and provide feedback as I’d asked.  You will never read this so you’ll never really know how I felt today unless I choose to tell you in the pauses between your lamentations about your life.

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