Random thoughts

I miss my Dad. Its crazy really how much and how often I think that. Last night I had a dream about him. It was nothing special, really kind of mundane actually. I woke up sad and try as I might I just can’t shake it. I know it will get better. He used to do this thing when one of us would take him by surprise with an insight or a clever retort. He would look at us and smile and say “That’s very good!”. Oh there was no higher praise. I keep remembering little stuff like that and then I get teary because I won’t ever get that from him again. I read things I don’t understand or I hear someone say something that I want to get a clarification on and I’m lost. He was my “go to” for things. If I didn’t understand the end game behind some political strategization or I needed to know what the sound was my car was making or I had a question about the economy or the stock market or how to put up a ceiling fan or whatever else, I knew I could ask him and he would know. I read a facebook post I wanted to get a better understanding of and for a moment I forgot. “That’s a Dad question” I thought to myself just a millisecond before I realized that for the first time in my life he wasn’t going to be there to answer it. I really hate this. I keep saying all the right things. You know “he isn’t struggling any more” and “it was what he wanted” and “it was the right thing to do” and “he put up a good fight” and all of those things are true but the goddamn reality is I want my Dad back! My family is so awesome and my friends have been so great. I don’t really want to call and cry on anyone’s shoulder though. I want to push it to the back of my mind and get on with my day. It is what he would have done and certainly what he would expect of me. Most of the time I am okay … Until I’m not.

This entry was posted in Ruminations. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Random thoughts

  1. Rhonda says:

    Mary, when my dad died, I kept thinking “I can’t believe everybody goes through this. How did I not know this would be so hard?” What I have realized is it is different for everyone. For people like you and me, who were very close on a daily or weekly basis to our dads, it’s a constant ache that only lessens with time. I guess what I am saying is that your overwhelming grief for your dad is a testament to him and the wonderfully loving relationship you had with him. Which doesn’t make it hurt any less.

    • Yes you’re right. We were pretty lucky to have our Dad nearby and accessible. All of us. We all had different and unique relationships with him because over the years he had come to see us not as just his children but as individuals and adapted accordingly. I just saw a Bill McLellan article that I would normally have bookmarked and discussed with him. I really didn’t realize how many ways I interacted with him. We take those relationships for granted I think and only realize how important they are when they’re gone.

      Incidentally, this was supposed to be part of my private journal but I typed it on my Blackberry in the middle of the night so I must have screwed something up. 🙂 So sorry if the inappropriate language offends anyone.

  2. your unmechanically inclined and blackberry stupid friend says:

    As always your words strike a chord. I wonder if I will handle things as well as you. Then I think no I will be the child to your grown up (as always). I think it is important to continue to mark those things you would talk to him about it is a wonderful way to keep his memory close. And remember you can always cry, yell, curse, and laugh with me. I think I have heard it all from you at some point…except when I fell asleep but those times do not count…lol Here for you when and if you need me. And Mary I am glad you screwed up and posted it…some of us need to see it for us. If you know what I mean.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s