Random thoughts

Sadness and feelings of loss strike me suddenly and unawares. I find myself struggling and scrambling to find an explanation as though I need one to mourn. Sometimes its obvious – an elderly gentleman with a walker or an article I’ve read online. Other times its just there beyond my reach like a feather floating in the breeze. I sometimes push myself to force a reason but that seems disingenuous and I don’t like that feeling. The emotions are real, tangible and sometimes out of my control. Mostly it culminates in a hollowness in my chest and a few shed tears. Occasionally it hits me a little harder and I find it difficult to draw deep enough breaths. That’s when the loneliness and loss are the worst. Its not that I am alone at all. I know I can call one of my family or friends and they would be there for me. Its not easy to do that sometimes though because then they feel sad too and I don’t want that. Taking long drives listening to music helps. Sometimes I have to change the song though. I can’t listen to sad songs or watch tear- jerker movies. Not now. Not yet. While I write this I’m wiping away tears. I had to find a place to pull over for a minute and gather myself. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way right now, anxiety over the private gathering this weekend maybe? I’m trying not to force a reason and just accept the fact that sometimes I’m just going to be sad. I don’t have to have an excuse or something doesn’t have to have happened. Mourning the loss of a parent can be paralyzing at times. They are the reason we are here. They have been the only constant source of love and acceptance our entire lives. To lose that eventually is the natural way of things, I know that, but when it happens too soon its earth shattering and frustrating and frightening and life altering. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real yet but then it does because it is real. It is very real. I just realized what got me today. For the first time in a conversation with a stranger I had to say “my father passed away”. Why does it make me feel better to pinpoint why I am feeling this grief at this moment? He would hate this you know. Not my writing he liked my writing and read every word when he was able. He was proud of my ability and that was so cool. He was proud of all of us. No, he would hate that I am sitting here in a parking lot at dusk crying my eyes out over him. Tears always made him nervous. It was a source of much consternation for us because I am a crier and always have been. I think he would have forgiven me these tears though if he were here. I miss him. So be patient with me loved ones while I work through all this and find a way to deal with those sneaky moments. Everyone tells me they’ll get fewer and farther between but they will never go away completely. And isn’t that the way it should be? Gone yes but never forgotten. Tears are drying now so its time to head home. This weekend is going to be a roller coaster so say a prayer for us while we try our best to find some peace with all of this. Well you don’t have to pray if you don’t want to but keep us in your thoughts. With gratitude. Mary

This entry was posted in Ruminations. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Random thoughts

  1. CIndy Bray says:

    A strong heart hug to you….

  2. Well said Mary. I lost my husband 8 years ago. The frequency of the feelings lessens. One day you realise that you have not thought about him first thing upon waking and then one day you realise you have gone the whole day and then a few days, a week, etc. But, the intensity of the pain of loss can grab a choke hold anytime, anywhere and the trigger can be, and usually is, something very small, a lovely memory that goes straight to your heart and with the next beat produces an instant sob. Death and birth being so closely related, it feels to me a bit like childbirth. You let the almost sweetness of the pain wash over and soon your ‘grief contraction’ peaks and you are left with something beautiful. Lots of love xxxx

  3. Rhonda says:

    I read somewhere that when your parents die, you feel like you’ve lost your tether. I liked that description. Love you Mary. Keep writing, it will help.

  4. Kat says:

    I wish I was as eloquent and reassuring as in the other’s comments. All I got is this: So very sorry for your loss. And, perhaps …. it’s ok to cry, don’t let “tear guilt” add to your grief.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s