I’m a big fraud you know

I’m not strong or tough at all. My feelings get hurt so very easily. I know that some people see that as a weakness and so be it, there is very little I can do about another person’s perception of me. When I lose someone important to me, especially when I have no idea why, it makes me so sad. I think I’m a good friend but maybe I’m not, maybe I am just deluding myself and I am really disposable. Disposable … I never realized before … that is such a lonely word.

My world is quite small overall. I live very simply. I just want to be happy in my little corner surrounded by friends and family who I care about and who care about me back. I know that people come in and out of our lives all the time and I accept that and even encourage it because we all grow and change and go off in different directions but when one loses someone who transcends friendship and has over time become family it’s … well I have no words to describe how it makes me feel to be honest.

My heart is broken. First because I’m admitting to the world (or the two or three people who read this) a fraud and I’m not tough at all and second because I will never really truly know what I did or what I could have done differently to not make this happen and most importantly because a good, solid, no holds barred, honest to a fault relationship, a thing I value a great deal, is disappearing right before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.

I have tried, truly I have. I’ve put myself out there and I’ve tried to get a dialogue going. I’ve tried to pretend that I don’t see what is right in front of me and to act as though nothing has changed but I’m just fooling myself and in the process making a bit of a fool out of myself as well. But I see the writing on the wall, although it has probably been there a while and I just realized it, and I know I have become a problem so I am going to try my very best to just stop trying and let it be. I’d like to think that my side of the street is clean but I don’t really know if it is and from the looks of it may never have the chance to find out.

I would like to say to anyone and everyone “accept me for who I am” or “take me or leave me” and be comfortable and happy with those statements. I can’t really say that in all honesty because inasmuch as I proclaim that I like who I am and what I stand for – I don’t really – not always. I’m flawed. I talk too much and sometimes don’t listen as I should. I cry with nearly every emotion. I have a lot of emotion. I jump to conclusions and scramble to please and get caught up in things I shouldn’t and sometimes don’t get caught up in things I should. I over-analyze things and sometimes when I hear something my brain takes it in and my heart gets all caught up in the drama of it all and before you know it my brain is getting things all twisted and turned and suddenly what was said is not at all what I heard and then I get all flustered and upset and all of my common sense takes a mini-vacation and I end up falling apart. IE She said “We ask everyone to remove their shoes before coming into the house” and I heard “Your shoes are filthy”. I am judgmental and overly critical and priggish and smug. I get defensive and take things personally, I get annoyed with little things and offended when people express concern for my well being. So I asked myself this question last night. “Would I be friends with me?” My honest heart felt well thought out response was “Yes”. That should have made me feel a little better but honestly I don’t know what to do with it all.

So, what DO I do with all of this? By “this” I mean the emotion, the flaws, the friendship, the loss, the sadness, the fact that my heart can’t mind it’s own damn business and let my brain do it’s job right, the fact that people I care about leave and don’t come back … ever. Where do I put all of this? How do I compartmentalize this? How do I stop worrying or emoting or being who I have always been? How do I change myself or improve upon myself so I don’t lose someone else? Do I change myself? Can I improve upon these things? Would it matter in the long run if I did?

I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have any of the answers at all, I just pretend to. More evidence of fraudulence. Don’t ask me anything about anything because I don’t know. I put myself out there. I show my underbelly and I trust and I open myself up and then when things start to plummet I am lost. What is the answer? Not to trust? Not to make friends? I don’t think so but how would I know really because everything I think I know I don’t, not really.

Tonight to empower myself and to make me feel better about this loss, I was reading quotes and articles about friendships and loss and lots of things like “Life is too short…” and I want to believe that this is not something I can control. I want to believe that I didn’t cause it. I want to believe that I can change it, fix it, make it better. I need to believe these things in my heart but my brain is telling me “NO!” because when I take my head out of the self pity sand and look at the world without my rose colored glasses the reality is that it doesn’t really matter what I did or did not do or even what I do now or in the future.

It is either meant to happen or it is not. I have to let go and let God take over. You have to know how absolutely insane that makes me right? To let someone or something else dictate how my life should go? To allow fate to determine the end result? To toss all of my “fix it” tendencies to the wind and just let them land where they will? I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of this. It’s like asking me to expose myself to the entire world with no armor, no protection. Asking me to trust that who I am right now and right here in this blog and in this world is enough. That just can’t be right. I can’t be enough because I’m just so broken.

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