I’ve been looking at my life and my relationships lately. I have a lot of things rolling around in my head. I’ve been retrospective I guess I’ve also been a little confused about some of the changes. Relationships that were tenuous are now nearly non-existent, relationships that I thought were solid are tenuous, people I thought were like family have begun to drift away. Someone told me that when we lose a parent, somehow things that were important to us no longer matter. We begin to let the little things go in the face of something so much larger. I’m having some trouble letting go …. of anything.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not depressed or anything I’m just trying to figure out what to do with all of this. At first I felt like I was suddenly missing pieces to a completed puzzle. I realized recently though that this can’t be right because my life is the puzzle so that means that I haven’t completed it yet. Too abstract? Maybe. I’m still working through it. I know the old adages, “life is a journey” etc.
So here I am at nearly fifty years old struggling to find a way to please people who don’t give a shit about me. I have to find some middle ground here and just stay there. I need to learn to accept the things I can’t change and know when all the signs are there that it’s time to close the book.
So here I sit in some random parking lot fighting back tears. I miss my dad. I miss my family. I miss a time when life was so much simpler. I fucking hate these maudlin posts!
It’s time. Past time really. Change is good. Life goes on. People change. Everything new is an opportunity to learn and grow and become a better you. If it’s meant to be …
Well anyway … I gotta get a thicker skin.