I miss my dad today. I mean I miss him every day and I think about him a lot but today sitting in my cozy living room listening to the wind blowing outside I find myself missing him in a very physical way.
Most of the time when I get hit with these emotions I can pinpoint why. When I bought a new car, when I lost my job etc. Today though I don’t know why. I was just sitting here reading a somewhat depressing book and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
He was a complicated guy. He’d had a rough start in life and just like all of us, those experiences shaped him into who he became. He was a solid presence, physically and emotionally, in everyone’s lives. He was a good man with solid beliefs and strength of character. He was my dad.
He could work my last nerve and sometimes did it on purpose but I never doubted that he would be in my corner if I needed him. I was a challenge at times and I know I drove him crazy too.
He was smart – much smarter than he gave himself credit for – and he was honest and forthright and stoic. I’m a person ruled by emotion and he was not. He didn’t get that about me and I was completely mystified by his ability to control his emotions the way he did.
I think I might have just realized why I miss him so much today. I guess the why doesn’t matter so much as the remembering. He’s never far from my thoughts and always in my heart. He’s in my head when I make decisions, guiding me. He has instilled in me a sense of right from wrong and a well defined social conscience. He has taught me to think for myself and not be afraid to delve just a little deeper.
I see him in my face, my nose, my red hair. I close my eyes and see the pride on his face when he talked about his grandchildren. I go back in my memory banks and I can hear his laugh and his voice. I can feel the calluses on his hands from a lifetime of hard work. I can see him sitting on his boat watching the river for logs and lecturing me on some thing or another. I’m so glad I can still hear his voice when I think about him. I’m so relieved I can see his beautiful blue eyes looking out from his tanned face when I imagine him here. I hope that never goes away.
I miss my dad.