Memories

As a young single mother I struggled emotionally and financially a great deal. I had help from family and friends but at the end of the day I had this little person who depended upon me for everything. I felt like a failure all the time. My little girl though, she hung the moon. My Anne Marie was my world.

I am sitting here on a patio at one of my favorite breakfast haunts reading a book. This young family just piled out of their pristine white SUV and the last to emerge was a baby about one. She was asleep so mama pulled her out and gently laid her across her shoulder. Once settled, baby still asleep, the family walked past me. Just as they opened the door the baby woke up. She looked at me from mama’s shoulder and gave me this beatific sleepy smile that lit her whole face. Her hair was tousled and framed her face endearingly. I smiled back as the family found their way through the door. It made me nostalgic and brought tears to my own eyes.

When Anne Marie was a baby she did not like to be confined but she wasn’t as adventurous as some little ones so when she woke up she would stand in her crib, holding the railing for support, and cry until I came to get her. When I would walk in, she would spot me and stop crying immediately, smiling a big baby toothed smile with her blonde curls framing her petite face, tears glistening on her eyelashes, arms outstretched. There’s no feeling like that in the world. It’s wonderful and terrifying and life affirming. It never escaped me that I was solely responsible for making sure that this beautiful baby lived a good life.

We had some rough times but we did that thing and I’m very proud of us for that. We struggled a lot but we did it together and she’s an amazing woman. Anne will tell you that she was raised by a village and she is absolutely right. I could not have done what I did without support. Anne would not be who she is today without the wonderful people who taught her, supported her, encouraged her and loved her.

I wish that baby the very best of what we had and maybe a little bit of the worst too because my daughter has compassion, discernment and kindness, in part I believe because of our trials when she was growing up. While I would not have wished some of those days on anyone, I do believe that adversity and challenge builds character. My Anne Marie still hangs the moon because she is my very best accomplishment but she is also and always has been special. I can’t take credit for all that she is but I’m proud of the part I played in that.

Thanks to that random Sunday morning family for this lovely rumination.

Meanderings

There’s a breeze blowing through the trees and it muffles the sound of cars on the road nearby. A squirrel is making havoc in the tree across the road that looks like it might be starting fall a little early. There are nuts of some kind – larger than acorns- falling when he runs around up there. There’s a yellow butterfly flitting around and landing on the flowers for a quick rest. I brought a book but I find myself setting it down frequently so I can just experience the day. It’s beautiful here and so quiet. The weather is nice – sunshine and mid 70s.

It’s a good day to be outside. There are bees buzzing around and crickets singing. I can hear them but can’t see them. Birds are chirping and cawing all around us.

This is not it but there’s a place I go where even in this day and age I can’t get cell phone reception. It’s my way of unplugging. I haven’t been there for a while and I was thinking I might spend some time there this afternoon but it’s so pretty here that I don’t really want to leave. I’m not sure that I even told you about that other place but I must have at some point.

I remember when we said goodbye to you a little less than a year ago. It was so strange leaving you here. I mean, I had to go. The place was closing, and my feet were killing me from the fancy new shoes. Plus I was still out of shape and we had to walk a mile or so, so I was sore and tired and out of breath. Our amazing Book Club friends were very sweet to me. Staying with me even when I had to stop and rest. I told them they didn’t have to, but they didn’t listen.

They are very kind and I’m so glad you introduced me to them and that they accepted me. Afterward a few of us grabbed a bite and talked. Any other time I would’ve just driven home and not known what to do with myself. I am a caregiver by nature, and I’m not really great at letting people take care of me. That day, intentionally or not, they took care of me and let me take care of them as well.

I think about you a lot. I still sometimes experience something funny and for just a second I forget that I can’t tell you about it. Yesterday, Vice president Kamala Harris stopped in her campaign for president (you would love that) into Penzey’s in Pittsburgh. Anne told me about it this morning. I was just sitting here imagining the fun we would have with that. I learned today that she’s a foodie! That made me laugh out loud.

I’m tired friend. I’m trying so hard at work and just not performing up to my bosses’ expectations. I truly think I might lose this job and that’s terrifying. I just turned 60. I hate this, it’s painful and stressful and exhausting. I can hear you now and I know what you would say and you’re right. You would also however, recognize that I have to do it on my timeline.

I think you would like this book I’m reading. It’s called “The Color of Water”. It’s a man’s tribute to his mother. She was tough as nails and fiercely loved her children. A white Orthodox Jewish raised woman who had 12 mixed race children in the 1940s and 50s.

I can smell the bouquet I brought for you today. Sunflowers. For me really, they make me feel good, like I’m holding the sun in my hand. This is a lovely spot and I’m glad you guys picked it. I need to bring a vase. Marc said I could use his but that just feels wrong.

I keep picking this up and adding my thoughts. It sort of feels like our conversations. We would jump from one subject to another and back again. I wish I’d have spent more time with you in the last year or so. I was trying to respect the fact that you needed to rest and the pain was making it so hard on you. I should have found more opportunities to share things with you and be in your space in a way that was good for you.

Last time I was here to see you I got lost. Oh my word I laughed so hard. Rhonda the security guy had to come find me and lead me out. Just. Wow. That is ridiculous. In my defense though this place is an absolute labrynth. Today I’m making myself a map of sorts when I leave.

I think I forgot to take my meds this morning, I woke up on a mission. I was going to spend the day with you. I bought flowers at the store yesterday. I put them in water but they were still a bit wilty this morning. Next time I think I’ll stop on my way at a decent flower shop.

I think I’m done for today. I forgot Kleenex so I’m a bit of a mess and to be honest, I have to find a ladies room! 😜 I love you Rhonda.

Loss

Today it has been a year since my friend Rhonda passed away after a years long battle with cancer. I miss her. I think about her so often but today obviously is a tough day. I selfishly wasn’t ready for her to leave us. She was though I think. She was tired of fighting.

Rhonda was this undeniable force. She was fierce in her love and passion for her family and friends. Rhonda had a lot of loss in her life but she was a devout woman and that helped her so much. She loved life, flowers, hummingbirds, books, creating things, her family and her friends. She met her soulmate well into adulthood and they made the very most of their lives together. Anyone who met Rhonda knew who she was from the first moment. She was well lived and well regarded.

I miss our talks so much. I crave her down to earth insights and wisdom. She had a way of cutting through my bullshit in a matter of fact way without hurting my feelings. We could talk for hours and never run out of things to share. We agreed on most things. We could share anything. I only have a few people in my life I feel I can trust completely and unreservedly and she was one.

Today is going to be about remembering. I love you Rhonda.

Random rambling 101423

I hurt my back Wednesday night putting away craft supplies so Cosette would stay out of them. I reached up to slide the box on the top shelf and knew right away I was in for some pain. Since then I haven’t been able to move, cough, laugh, stand or sit without pain. It was so bad I took a half day off work yesterday. (I know!) I took a hydrocodone and a tizanidine and was pretty much comatose until this morning. I woke up and did some gentle stretches. The weird thing is my triceps and my ribs hurt too I’m not sure what that’s about. I feel like I have been beaten up.

Anyway I did a little simple cooking and out away my Instagram groceries this morning and felt okay so I figured it was time to get moving. I went to Kirkwood Fall Market. Not particularly impressive. What was unimpressive is all the Kirkwood moms standing in groups of 4-6 completely blocking the aisles and glancing at me like fucking mean girls when I said “excuse me”. So. Yeah. I left there. Not before getting a very decent cup of black coffee and a load of gluten free (I think I wasn’t really listening) banana bread.

After that I drove closer to downtown Kirkwood and started wandering in and out of stores. Cornucopia is one of my favorites. Kerry Cottage is here now. A couple of gift stores, a feed and garden store and some other store full of cool junk. I was looking for two specific things and I found one so I feel like this was a success. I am accomplishing my goal. My back is feeling ok. Tender but not spasming.

I’ve stopped for lunch now. Why do they ask what you want on your burger if they’re just going to stack it all on the plate anyway? I think the toddler at the next table thinks I stole his French fries. I’m at Mike Duffys. Famous for their burgers so of course I had to grab a burger.

I’m going to leave here and do the outdoor market. I need mushrooms and live potted herbs. I’m not sure if I’ll find either one. The toddler got his own fries. I’ve done about 2000 steps so far so that’s really good. I took Tylenol arthritis and a milder muscle relaxer this morning. And I sat on a heating pad for half an hour. They just turned on music and it’s The Mamas and the Papas so I officially like this place. The burger wasn’t half bad either. I’m feeling hung over and nauseous from the pain meds and I have a headache. That might be because I haven’t been drinking much the last few days. Real talk? The thought of hobbling to the bathroom and having to sit down and then stand up again was a little overwhelming.

I’m drinking a normal amount of water today. I bought this 40 oz steel thermal water bottle at Ross’s store recently and I really like it. It fits in my water bottle sling perfectly so score! I fill it with ice water and it stays cold all day. 🎶Stuck in the middle with you…🎵

I went to the bank on my way here and got cash from the ATM. These small local vendors don’t want to pay credit card fees and I do not blame them. The problem is that my bank ATM has recently updated and you can slept your denomination so I just impatiently hit the “OK” button and ended up with a ten and a fifty. Dang it! Fortunately the nice man at the cool junk store broke it for me.

The toddler in a high chair has me blocked in. I’m sitting against a wall and past their table is the only way out. This should be fun. They’ll have to pull him out of the high chair to let me pass so I’m stalling. If I were skinny this wouldn’t be an issue. Some lady just came over and asked me to watch her phone while it’s charging so it’s sitting on my table plugged in under my table. Who does that? I guess I look trustworthy. I have absolutely no idea where she is. I’m having mild anxiety. Can I just leave and abandon this lady’s phone?

I just got my check. $20.69 for a burger fries and Diet Coke. That’s super reasonable. The toddler keeps saying “hi” to me. They are trying ti distract him with food but he’s not having any of it. The lady just picked up her phone. *Whew!* I know I’m pathetic but I was genuinely concerned about the social contract I had entered into by agreeing to watch this strangers phone for her.

Today is a month since Rhonda’s funeral at St Ferdinand. That keeps floating through my head and pushing tears out of my eyes. So now I’m a crying old lady in the corner of the corner pub.

Okay lunch is over. 🎼I heard it through the grapevine… 🎶 Time to wander and stretch my back some more. Off on my adventure to find mushrooms as herbs. Later I’m heading to Illinois to hang out with my friend Chrissie. Wish me luck while I self deprecatingly ask these people to remove their toddler so I can hoist myself out of this corner.

I cried today

I cried today, but that’s nothing new. I thought about you today but that’s nothing new. I missed you today but that’s nothing new. I’m doing OK I promise but it’s hard. You were woven into the fabric of my life. We could talk about anything and everything. We could laugh together and complain together, and then laugh again about how we complain too much. We could talk about stupid things we saw or heard that day.

I took a lunch today just so that I could try to regain my focus. I’m so crabby and short tempered. Work is hard and stressful and frustrating. I need a break, but I just don’t have time for it. I know you would tell me to take the time and stop dedicating so much of my life to this job then I would tell you that people depend on me. I miss you, pushing me to take better care of myself, even though sometimes it irritated me.

This morning when I got on the scale, I realized that I have lost 50 pounds since I called you on my way home from the doctor in March in shock about how much weight I had regained. You told me that I could do this, start again, and I did, I want to celebrate this with you. I want to celebrate this victory but I just want to lay on my couch and feel sorry for myself.

I haven’t cried this hard since right after your funeral. I keep trying to figure out why it’s happening today, but really it doesn’t matter. I miss you so much. I hate this. We were supposed to be crazy old cackling cat ladies together driving Marc up a wall. I’m so mad that cancer stole that plan away from us. I miss you. I love you.

What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?

Quit work on time and head to the gym.

In what ways does hard work make you feel fulfilled?

Really for me it’s about accomplishing goals and exceeding expectations. When I can check something off the list I feel like my day was fulfilling.

Mobility

I can’t tell you how many times in years prior I have gone somewhere only to turn around and go home because the walk was too intimidating. For someone who doesn’t struggle with mobility this is difficult to grasp. Having to walk a long way to get to an event is scary. The thoughts that go through my head. “What if I can’t make it?” “What if I can’t make it back to my car?” “What if there is no place to sit?” “What if I run out of water?” And so many more.

Today I am at Forest Park for the first time since before Covid guys! I love this place. I love the Art Museum. I love the Muny. I just haven’t been able to even consider coming to these places as an option since my back got worse.

My weight is a factor I know this but I’m in a Catch 22. I have to move to lose weight but I can’t (couldn’t) do sustained cardio. As of this morning I have lost 48 pounds since March. That is because I have been able to exercise. It started in the pool and continued with feet on the pavement.

I always try to get to these kinds of things early. Not because I’m annoying (ha) but because I need a place to park that’s closeish. It is my way of dealing with the “what if” anxiety. Today armed with my trusty water bottle I am attending the Vegfest at Forest Park World’s Fair Pavilion. I arrived early true to form and parked a 1/4 mile away, walking entirely uphill to the event. It opens at 10 so I’m off for a new adventure in my plan to take back my life.

Have a beautiful day!

Memories

When I was a young single mom I worked in fast food management. It was a rough life. Too many hours and not enough pay. There were days when I didn’t see my baby awake. I’d drop her off at the sitter’s house asleep and pick her up asleep. For a long time I thought working in restaurants was the only thing I’d be good at. I quit that job on a whim and worked three jobs for a while. Sears, a Credit Union and a restaurant. I still didn’t see my baby much but I was making a living. I was so much happier not working in food service any more.

When Anne-Marie was six years old we moved into our first apartment. Up to then we had lived with family or friends. None of these places was our space. One place I lived my landlord accused me of trying to seduce her husband. Another place I was accused of stealing my own dishes when I began to pack to move. Obviously neither of these things were true. I was tired. Tired of being broke and having to count on other people. Some of whom, despite outward appearances did not have our best interests in mind.

Our first apartment was a real dump. It was literally crumbling around us. It had this old beat up heater that made so much noise and no central air. My sister’s friend’s mom gave us a window AC unit. Anne and I would hang heavy blankets in the doorways and sleep on the floor in the living room to stay cool. We had a card table and folding chairs in the kitchen and a crib mattress as a couch. I bought a used TV from a thrift store and put it on a TV tray. My bed was inherited from my parents. Anne had a full set of bedroom furniture. It was her dads and he left it when we divorced.

We would cook simple inexpert inexpensive meals for dinner. We ate a lot of hot dogs and boxed macaroni and cheese. Pop Tarts for breakfast and lunchtime was usually a sandwich. We would splurge on frozen meals sometimes too. Anne Marie’s favorite then was Salisbury steak. I was not a great cook but we made do. Canned vegetables were a mainstay. She also liked these mushroom gravy beef cutlets I would make.

Our refrigerator was an old squat teal colored monstrosity that the previous tenant had left. It smelled so bad it took me weeks of scrubbing and bleaching before I could actually put anything into it. We kept our cold stuff in a cooler we borrowed then. The place was completely overrun by roaches when we moved in. I would sit up all night on one of those folding chairs in the dark and then turn on the flashlight to kill as many of those fuckers as I could. Boric acid helped and lots of toxic spray clouds. They didn’t seem to be in Anne Marie’s room, mostly in the kitchen. I finally eradicated them. I was exhausted but it was worth it.

The day we moved in the first thing we did after scrubbing the place like maniacs, was set up the beds so we’d have somewhere to sleep. Anne was still attending private school near my dads house then so we would have to get up extra early to get her to school on time. She didn’t start the local public school until the following school year. First grade. Her teachers name was Ms Bains. She was a sweet lady who loved her kids. Not the most gifted educator but she was sweet.

I worked those three jobs for a while to afford the rent on this place plus pay for Annie’s after school care and babysitters. We struggled for years to make ends meet. For years I didn’t have a car. I would walk Anne in her stroller to the sitter and then hoof it to the bus stop for my Sears job. When we moved to this apartment friends gave us a used car so I could get Anne to and from school. we stayed in that apartment for three years.

During that time I lost my job at the credit union. For a while I just worked Sears and the restaurant but looked for a better opportunity. It came as a temp job that landed me a full time gig. In 18 months I went from keying tax proformas in a temp pool to managing a Collection Department. This was the beginning of my second career I was 27 years old then.

When Anne was going into third grade I found an apartment near my new job. Well one of my friends really found it for me. I gave Anne Marie nine days notice before we pulled up stakes and moved again. Not my proudest moment but it was necessary. She was not happy with me. We lived in that apartment until Anne Marie was in middle school then we moved again to an apartment on the other side of the same complex. It was a good move. We were still living paycheck to paycheck but things were easier. I was able to save some money and bought nicer used cars. Anne Marie went to a better school where she got the education she needed. When Anne went away to Mizzou it was the first time I’d ever lived alone. I missed Anne but I loved it. I still do.

I moved out of that apartment to the place where I currently reside in 2016. Things are better. I have money in the bank, a new(ish) car and a nice place to live. Anne Marie is a successful leader in a school in Brooklyn. We aren’t rich by any means but we manage very well.

I have a great job in my chosen field and I’m good at it. Anne Marie lives in an adorable place in Brooklyn where she has lived for years. She has lived in New York since right after she graduated from college. It’s no secret how proud I am if my amazing daughter.

Life has not been easy. I made a lot of bad choices growing up and as an adult as well. I wasn’t always the best parent or example for Anne Marie. I did try to be a good parent but for a lot of years I was lost and immature. I wish I could do it all over again with what I know now. But then I wonder, would Anne have become this self sufficient rock star that she is? No idea.

Thanks for reading this. I’d like to hear your stories if you managed to get all the way through this.

Bedtime

Heavy lids

Cold toes

Flannel pajamas

Furry slippers

Fluffy comforter

Satin pillow cases

Pineapple hair

Meditation

Long stretch

Warm soak

Nourishing face wash

Hot tea

Turn the fan on

Cinnamon toast

Fuzzy robe

Cozy fire

Soft music

Window cracked

Lights off

Slow breaths

Dozing

Sweet dreams