I am strong


I am good. I am happy. I am positive. I am worthy. 

I am strong. 

I have been feeling this cloud of negativity beginning to descend upon me the last few weeks and today, quite by accident I discovered why.  One persons toxicity can do such damage to another’s psyche. My mood crashed after an encounter and it suddenly became so crystal clear to me how much real estate I was giving this negativity nearly every day of the week. 

Today I am committing to myself. I will no longer allow this toxicity to take up residence anywhere within me – my heart nor my head. I will stay positive and happy and cheerful and won’t waste any more of my time (or yours) re-telling shocking stories or anything else. 

Today and going forward I am going to take deep breaths, put on my music if I have to and find my equilibrium again. I love my life and I love my work and I shouldn’t have to remind myself of that. 

I am happy. I am good. I am worthy. I am positive. I am strong. 

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Cancer sucks


So I have cancer. It’s so weird to actually type that. I’ve known for a while and I’ve shared with my loved ones etc. I always start out telling people the same way. “I am okay now and I am going to be okay”. This is absolutely true. I am fine and I am going to be fine. My cancer is very beginning stages and completely treatable. Incidences of my type of cancer spreading are extraordinarily rare. 

I have been diagnosed with adenocarcinoma grade 1 uterine or endometrial cancer with endometrial hyperplasia. Currently I am taking a synthetic progestin medication to control the amount of estrogen my body produces in order to keep the cancer from growing. This will allow me time to get healthy and strong and lose weight before I have surgery. The surgery will of course mean that they will remove everything. I’m fine with that. I am 53 as of Friday and I don’t need any of that stuff!

So basically two pills a day. Weird right? 

So I’m taking the pills, dealing with improving my diet and increasing my exercise. I’m cutting back on refined sugars and putting my mental energy into getting healthy. I’m not freaked out and I’m not sad about this. As a matter of fact every once in a while I find myself saying “Oh yeah that’s right, I have cancer!” The pills are basically for three months then I have another biopsy. As long as the cancer hasn’t changed then I can stay on the medication and continue to get healthier. If the cancer cells have increased then we will have to schedule the surgery sooner. My hope is that I will drop sufficient weight to get the surgery next summer when my daughter can be home for it. I really want that time although the thought of cancer cells just sitting there inside my body is a bit intimidating. 

A while ago, fresh from diagnosis, I burned my hand pretty badly and ended up at urgent care. They were writing my info for me on the form because my hand was immersed in ice water. He asked “anything else you can think of?” I said “Hm no not really I’m pretty healthy.” “Oh wait do you need to know I have cancer?” Now yeah it was a maybe stupid question in hindsight but come on what does my uterus have to do with second degree burns on my hand? 

Work is amazing. “Whatever you need” ” Just let me know when you have to be off” etc. My family is phenomenal. They ask good questions, give sound articulate advice, keep me grounded and remind me that this sucks but it’s not the end of the world. My friends are amazing. They remind me not to shut myself in and not communicate. They call me, text me, invite me places and remind me that they are there if I need anything. 

I have shut myself away a little bit. Well a lot actually. It’s the fatigue and the frustration with myself and my body. I am fine physically overall. The fatigue is a bitch but I do what the doctor says. “Eat right, get moving, rest when you’re tired”. It is also partially because of my dietary limitations. I’m retraining myself to eat clean and healthy and I’m not quite ready to get out there and try eating out. My house is straight but it needs some deep cleaning. I do what I can on the weekends but weeknights I’m tired. I know my friends don’t care what my house looks like but I do. 

I hate asking for help. I am strong, independent, capable of doing anything and self sufficient. I am the fixer, the doer, the helper. I am who people reach out to, I don’t ever need anyone. Believe that? I do. I did. No, I do. It’s very very hard for me to ask for help or even accept it when offered. It upsets people and I don’t mean to hurt my friends and family but it is who I am. I’m working on it though. It’s a flaw. 

I come by it honestly. Recently I was with my family. I asked for help with something. The next fifteen minutes was spent telling me all the different ways I could do it all by myself. I capitulated and will now do it by myself because now if I wait for help then I will look like a failure. Incapable. 

I know that wasn’t the intention of anyone there. Well maybe one of the people there but I know he doesn’t completely understand the ramifications of his words. Like he says things like “People who buy iPhones are idiots” and nearly every single person sitting in the room is literally holding a newish iPhone in his or her hands. 

So anyway, back to me. I have cancer. Fuck – that’s just surreal.

I think it needs to be said that I caused the cancer. I mean yeah my oncologist won’t say that but it’s a reality. I am obese, I am over fifty, I have history of breast cancer in my immediate family and I’ve had endometrial hyperplasia. I’m like a textbook case. Because I’m obese my body produces an excess of estrogen and as a result I have developed an estrogen driven cancer. So, I caused it. So there’s that. Now I can just put that away and focus on what I can control. Diet (nailed), exercise (still working on it), appropriate weight loss (20 pounds since I was diagnosed seven weeks ago). I mean I could starve myself but that’s no good for my body. I need to lose weight slowly and properly. 
So I cook and I chop and I eat clean beautifully made foods full of lean proteins, complex carbohydrates and good fats. I eat lots of vegetables and fruits and chicken breasts. I’ve renewed my relationship with ground turkey and huge gorgeous rainbow salads. I’ve begun grilling chicken for snacks and eggs any way I can get them. I love good clean food and I love to cook so this part is not difficult. The hardest part is getting my butt up and into the kitchen to do weekly food prep because that my friends is my superpower. When I can go into my kitchen before work and pull out ingredients for a quick omelet, chopped portioned ingredients for lunch and crunchy raw veggies for snacks I succeed. When I can come home at 6:30 or 7:00 from work and throw a meal together in ten minutes because I have pre-portioned meals already in the fridge or freezer I am golden. 

My birthday was Friday. On Saturday I had dinner with my family. My mom and my sister planned and fixed an amazing healthy menu. My sister made these granola Berry bars that were so so good and only like 200 calories which is entirely doable. 

My daughter is in New York. That’s a long way away. She’s so busy with her very demanding job and her hectic life but she still is making the time to call or text me much more than we used to. I appreciate her so much. She is really such a wonderful person. She is just beautiful inside and out. She also helps me to keep things in perspective and is my biggest supporter in my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. 

I have mostly good days emotionally. Today is a bad day but that’s nothing to do with cancer. It’s more to do with my turning another year older I think. I think I’m having some hormonal responses to things. I’ve done some research and I don’t see much about that with the medication or cancer I have. I will ask my oncologist in October when I get my first biopsy. I don’t really have a lot of bad days but occasionally I do get a bit testy or teary or both. Even with that I know I can bitch to a friend or cry on someone’s shoulder if I need to. That’s pretty nice to know. 

Work is good. Work is great actually. They are appreciative of my efforts and energy, they respect my input and they provide intelligent feedback. I am learning so much and in less than a year had taken on two other departments. I’m a really good Credit Manager and I am rocking this so hard! My boss is the nicest guy!

Life is good overall. I moved into a really wonderful place a year ago and recently I bought my first brand new car. I am surrounded by amazing inspiring people. I am so lucky. My world is solid and I am content with what I have. Cancer doesn’t change any of that. It’s a stubbed toe, a skinned knee in the bigger scheme of things. I’m okay now and I am going to be okay. To quote e a slightly overused phrase “I’m going to kick cancers ass!” For today though I’m just going to go throw in a load of laundry and mop my kitchen floor. 

 

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What has happened to me?


When did I stop fighting back? When did I give up on standing up for my rights or others? When did I become afraid? Is it age? Am I getting soft? Am I more fearful? Is it the times we live in? Maybe a combination of all of the above. 

We were in line at an auto car wash. I pulled my car in behind his in line. I didn’t know he wasn’t lined up right. I didn’t know he was going to have to back up and realign his huge truck so he could get through the door. I didn’t know it until he nearly backed into me and then, throwing it into park, he jumped out and agressively approached the drivers side of my car yelling about what an idiot I was. I apologized profusely and repeatedly while simultaneously holding out my hands in supplication and putting the car into reverse so he could back up and reapproach. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry sir” I yelled through my windshield as my car and the cars behind me all backed up. 

Then as I sat, well back from the truck bed and waited for him to enter the wash I began to tear up. Real tears. Lip shaking. 

What the hell? Forty year old me would have jumped out of my car and demanded to know how he dared to yell at me because he didn’t know how to drive his own fucking truck. Even had I initially not confronted him, I certainly would have when I had regained my composure and might have asked him what kind of man yells at a woman old enough to be his mother like that. I know I wouldn’t have cried and I’m fairly certain the first words that came out of my mouth would not have been desperately uttered words of apology in a shaky old lady voice. 

I think I was a little afraid, I don’t handle outright aggression  very well. But I’ve been afraid before in my life and my reaction was not to tuck and run. 

I’m disgusted. First and foremost I’m disgusted in that asshole for acting like a four year old and blaming someone else for his ineptitude but I’m equally or even more disgusted or maybe disappointed with myself. What have I become? When did it happen? What happened to self assured and somewhat fearless single mom who wanted to conquer the world and all of its inequities? Can I get her back or is she gone forever? I didn’t always like that woman but I respected her. She didn’t take shit from anyone, certainly not some two bit thirty year old with his dick in his hand and a Natural Light beer in his cup holder. 

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Today


Today it has been four years since we lost Dad. I don’t really have a lot to say about it.

I have a lot of stuff going around in my head. Some good memories and some bad. I hope he was proud of me. I hope he forgave me for being such a shitty daughter way too often. I’m sad. I love him. I miss him.

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Get over it!


Why is it that in this day and age we can’t allow ourselves even a moment of self pity without someone jumping in to tell us to stop whining or worse, telling us what we should do about it? Why if I’m having a bad day or I’ve just had a lousy thing happen – no matter how trivial – I’m not allowed to feel the feelings that come along with that until I’m ready to not feel them any longer? Why do I have to “buck up” just because someone says I must.

I’m heartily sick and tired of people telling me how I should feel about something. I’m not okay with another individual, I do not care who that person is to me, setting limits on my emotional responses. If I want to be sad about something that makes me sad then why shouldn’t I? If I want to throw a mini temper tantrum because something didn’t go my way then who are you to tell me how to behave? How is me lamenting this thing that has just happened to me impacting your life in a negative way? If you don’t like it then hang up or change the subject but don’t tell me how to feel and for all that is holy do NOT tell me how to fix it.

Now, if I ask your advice, which I will if I need said advice, then by all means fix away but until then don’t … just don’t. Now don’t get all huffy and “I never” right now, if we are having a conversation about something and you want to share your opinion or your position on this I’m not unreasonable and I will listen and often it will help me to change my perspective on something, this is not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is uncomplicated, simple, basic human response. If I tell you something has happened to make me sad then what sense does it do for you to tell me “Don’t be sad.” Of COURSE I’m going to be sad or angry or frustrated or whatever and *NEWSFLASH* I HAVE THAT RIGHT! I’m a grown ass woman in a grown ass world and sometimes stuff happens in that world that are going to elicit a response. Sometimes … wait for it …. it won’t even be a big deal but right here right now it is a big deal so just be a friend and let it run it’s course.

I am a pretty happy person in general. I’m a hippy by nature and all about living a very simple existence. Sometimes though things get in the way of that pursuit and “harsh my mellow”. Am I not allowed to have an emotional response? Why does it bother you so much that I am having a bad day or a bad moment? You have them all the time and I’m there to be supportive and encouraging and give advice when asked (okay sometimes when not asked but I’m working on that I promise) and it’s okay for you but not for me? Think about that for a minute. If this thing that has happened has put me in an emotional state – anger, disappointment, sadness or whatever – do you really think, knowing me as you do, saying “well have you tried ………..?” is the way to go? I mean yeah it is a way to go but don’t you see how that is going to feel to me? Don’t you know me well enough to know that this is the OPPOSITE of what I need?

Yeah yeah I know you were just trying to help. Here’s the thing though. It is the exact wrong thing.

What has happened to empathy? What has happened to saying “Oh no I’m so sorry this has happened to you, what can I do?” When have we become a society that expects no emotion? Does my emotional response make you uncomfortable? Well that’s too bad because it’s not your decision how I respond to something.

Here is what I want … what I need. I need to be supported, not laughed at or lectured to or belittled or told what to do. Just be there. Just.be.there. How hard is that? Am I not there for you when you are suffering or struggling with something? I don’t need that kind of support often and it’s not your place to determine if my response to the issue is appropriate or not. Just let me feel the feelings and express the emotion and when I’m done I’m done. I don’t dwell and I don’t drag it out and I don’t pull you into my drama, I just feel the emotional response, address the issue if I’m able and I move on. Is it any wonder I don’t trust you to protect my emotions? Is it any wonder when I’m feeling down or sad or angry I don’t reach out for comfort? Why would I when I know what I will be met with? I just feel it’s safer for me and everyone around me to just pull the welcome mat in and lock the door.

Have you ever seen a six year old collapse into a pile on the floor in hysterics because you just told him his shoe was untied? What do you do? Do you say to yourself “oh he’s just having a bad day” or “oh poor kiddo is tired” and then gather him up in a hug? Or do you say – in that moment while this kid is buried in your arms in obvious distress – “Well if you double knotted your shoe laces like I told you this wouldn’t happen?” Now, don’t get me wrong, there will be a time and place for that conversation but why on God’s green earth would anyone in their right mind think that the appropriate response while you’re mopping the snot off this child’s face should be to tell him what he already knows? Then you expect him to stop crying, stand up and brush himself off and say “Oh you’re so right mother, why didn’t I think of that? My crying was silly so thank you for making me see the error of my ways”? No ladies and gentlemen that is not going to be what happens. He IS going to cry harder and longer because what he really wants is for you to hold him and tell him it’s okay and to let him cry for a minute until he’s done because maybe it’s about the shoelaces but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s about something else, bigger and stronger and more upsetting than you are able to fathom or he is able to express but he knows when you hug him and you listen to him that it’s going to be okay.

Just tell me that it’s going to be okay.

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THINK


Do you know THINK?

Is it True?

Is it Helpful?

Is it Inspiring?

Is it Necessary?

Is it Kind?

I was just talking with someone tonight about this. I try to use this when I speak because I think it’s important. I don’t want to intentionally or unintentionally cause someone else pain. I work hard to use compassionate speech and to respect other people’s rights to a dissenting opinion. Sure I joke that I’m always right but right or wrong I know everyone will not always agree on everything. 

I know I’ve written about this before but I think it bears repeating. Social media has taken away our compassion. It invites us to release our dark side and use memes or article links to personally attack people with whom we do not agree. I’ve taken a break from a lot of it in large part due to exactly this kind of behavior. 

I met a man about twelve years ago. He was very nice and quiet and would do anything for anyone. Everyone loved this man because he was genuinely good. He was shy and soft spoken but mighty in his faith in God and his love for his family. He was one of those people who you would say “Oh let’s ask ***, he will help” whenever there was a need. 

The internet broke him. Honestly I know you’re probably chuckling and that was my intent but I absolutely feel as if that is what happened to this man. He’s an angry, sad, mean-spirited person and he has completely lost his empathy. For a long time now I have been making excuses for him. I’ve been telling our mutual friends that it’s not his fault, he has been misled. 

Today reality set in. Yes, he is a lemming and has always been but the internet conspiracy theorists and the meme patrols have stolen his compassion. They’ve rotted his soul and he is no longer kind. I used to worry about him but I have decided, as much as it pains me, that I must walk away. I hope only the very best for him but I don’t see this ending well. I tried to help him with gentle guidance and reminders of how words can hurt. He doesn’t care any more. He’s broken. 

I think what took him into the land of no return was this election. Like a lot of other religious zealots (and I think this is a fair assessment of him) he is a Trump supporter. I, big shock, am not. He calls me and people of my ilk names like demons and liars and has no remorse even when I try to call upon him to ask if what he is saying is really what he meant. 

He did. He does. He feels that I, because I believe in the right of a woman to choose and I believe that everyone regardless of race, religion, sex or sexual orientation deserves to be treated the same and I believe that college should not cost $100,000 and that taxes should not be a burden on the poor and middle classes and allow the wealthy to keep their millions safely tucked away. I believe that we should take care of people who can’t feed or clothe themselves or who are unable to afford housing, health care or child care. Because I believe these things I am less than he. I am a demon and I should be vanquished. I’m not exaggerating, truly I wish I were. 

The thing is, I’m just a hippy. I want peace love and understanding. I want no wars and love for everyone. I want farms in empty lots in food deserts and I want to see us find ways to educate our children so they feel like there’s a future. I want us to pay attention to people so much smarter than we when they tell us we are destroying our planet. All of these things are part of who I am and I am not going to be embarrassed or sad about that. I know when I place my head on the pillow that I have tried to be a good person today. 

Here’s the worst part. So does he. He uses God as his shield and says things like “God knows” as though that will somehow make his venom more palatable. Spewing hatred and calling people names in the name of God is reprehensible. I’m an agnostic and I even know that. Don’t call me a Libtard out of one corner of your mouth while you’re drinking the blood of Jesus Christ who died on the cross so we could live.

He broke my heart today. I told him so but I don’t think he cares. I think he is so broken that he has lost his sense of proportion and his compassionate side has left the building. I wanted to believe he was just confused and maybe he is but when someone who genuinely cares about him tries to reason with him and show him how his words hurt and he just pushes them away – he is lost. 

So today I chose to walk away. It is with heavy legs and a pain in my heart but I can’t fix this. I will just have to hope that someday that nice man inside comes back and he can be happy again. 

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Bad dreams and life


Have you ever had a dream so real that you can’t shake the emotion it evokes upon waking? I had one of those last night. I’m a pretty social person and I like to talk to people but I am finding myself wanting to pull my head into my shell today and just be quiet within myself. This is a bit difficult with what I do but I’m going to just try to look busy and push through until I can leave and go home.

I know what caused the dream and why I had it. The participants were a bit of a surprise. It was a combination of three things that caused the dream – a story I re-read from this blog last night, an excerpt from a TV Show called “This is Us” and a conversation I had with someone at work yesterday.

In the dream I was high school age and a popular boy had shown some interest in me. That in and of itself should have sent up red flags but just like when I was in school I fell for the cute boy only to find out that it wasn’t genuine. I found out when I went to a math tutoring session and one of the participants in the session told me – being kind – that he had made some unflattering comments about my appearance. There were some anomalies – Abby from “The Eight is Enough” was the tutor but then she left and Muhammad Ali (post Parkinsons) took her place for one. The kind sort of acquaintance was a girl I used to work with and the popular boy was a guy I used to work with, to whom I can absolutely guarantee you I was never attracted. All very odd. I wasn’t able to do the math Muhammad was trying to help us with and I realized that I was completely unprepared for the math we were learning so when I woke up I was trying to figure out how to extricate myself from the tutoring session without letting the other people know it was because I was out of my depth.

It wasn’t hard to figure out why I’d had the dream. The boy represented the boy I wrote the story about – someone I met when I was right out of high school. He was charming and funny and cute and he ended up being kind of a jerk in the end. The math was because I had a challenging (good challenging) day yesterday at work and I had a couple of things thrown at me that I was unfamiliar with but I’m determined to learn them! I have no idea where Abby or Muhammad came from – that is a complete mystery. The “fat girl” feelings evoked upon learning that the boy was not for real come directly from the show. In the show there is an overweight woman and they show her both as a pre-teen and an adult with all of the trials and tribulations of going through what we go through, including a pretty, slender mom and siblings that don’t have the same issues. It’s no ones fault but my own that I look the way I do and I take full responsibility for that but it happened and every day I have to figure out how to deal with that.

Because of the way I look people make assumptions about me. I know some of you are shaking your head and saying “No that’s not true” but I live it every day and it absolutely does happen. People look at me and they assume I am unhappy, slovenly, undisciplined, uneducated, unintelligent and lazy. I have to work twice as hard to prove what people would just assume about me were I a size fourteen. Yesterday I met a new person here at work with whom I have been interacting for six months on the phone and via email. He wasn’t at all disrespectful in any way but I saw the look of surprise on his face when he met me and I know that look. People underestimate me when they have a visual first but if they “meet” me over the phone they don’t have a pre-conceived idea of my capabilities and they respect my abilities.

Am I projecting because of my own insecurities? Absolutely that is a factor. Over the years I have developed an armor of protection to stave off that judgment. I use my intellect, my abilities and my personality to change their stereotypical minds and force them to see me as I am. I am a person – not just a fat person. I’ve said this before in other ruminations and it’s not something I’m proud of but it is my reality. I strive to be the smartest person in the room because I have something to prove. I can’t allow people’s pre-conceived ideas about who I am based upon my appearance to stand unchallenged but, being this is polite society, I can’t call them on it, so instead I work extra hard to make sure they see ME – the complicated person that is me. I can’t allow them to see my insecurities because that would defeat my purpose. I need them to know that I’m completely capable and to trust that I can take care of business.

This sensitivity to other peoples’ image of me does spill over into all aspects of my life and I can say beyond a doubt that my shyness and reticence at large events or places where I will meet new people is due in large part to this. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but it is my reality that I do. I put on a good front mind you. I had a very close friend tell me last year that she was shocked to know that I lack confidence. This is a good thing because it tells me that my mask is firmly in place.

I feel very protective of the vulnerable person inside of me. This isn’t a “poor me” statement but the truth of the matter is that on more than one occasion in my life I have allowed that mask to fall and have shown my vulnerability only to be hurt or taken advantage of, which no one would ever feel great about. I’m not blaming the other person or persons in this scenario though because I’ve made choices to allow those people to be in a position to cause me that pain. I’m less likely to allow that now as I get older because frankly I don’t have the time or energy for all that nonsense. My life is good. Simple.

Anyway, the dream has stuck with me today and it is impacting my reactions to things. I’m finding myself feeling defensive and that automatically makes me build more armor and my responses are clipped and intolerant. This morning a co-worker was speculating about a companywide meeting we are having tomorrow. As usual the rumor mill is hard at work and half the company thinks they’re going to lose their jobs. It’s illogical and silly but it’s not fair of me to negate their feelings. People stress about this stuff and after going through four lay offs I can understand it but the reality is that there are too many mitigating factors that make their concerns unfounded. Most of the time I would just listen and nod in understanding and move on with my life but today I find myself wanting to snap at these people for creating unnecessary drama in their lives. I know this is mean spirited and that I should be supportive of their need for reassurance without validating their concerns but I’m just not in the mood.

So today I’m going to just work hard and keep my own counsel and avoid any in depth conversations as best I can until I can get home and meditate or whatever and pull myself out of this funk. The best thing about today? I’m having an amazing hair day!

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